


Incomplete

by yongguks_smile



Series: Autistic Shinee [2]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Gen, Meltdown, Mentioned Choi Minho, Mentioned Lee Taemin, SIB Meltdown, Self-Acceptance, Soft hand holding, Stimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-02 20:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16311803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yongguks_smile/pseuds/yongguks_smile
Summary: Talking isn't the easiest thing to do most of the time, but for someone like Kibum talking was his thing. He was always the first one to offer his thoughts or fire back a witty retort. But somedays there were no words. Some days the words would get stuck inside and slowly weigh him down throughout the day until they could somehow find a way out.





	Incomplete

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sure what happened here lol it kind of got away from me about halfway through.  
> Oh well. I wanted a soft interaction between Kibum and Jinki and technically I got it? Just took a little bit to get there lol  
> Also, the rating is for the single curse word that jinki says lol
> 
> Just wanted to say a quick thanks to Chim for helping me with this and pulling the words from my head and making sense of them.

    It didn't happen often but sometimes there were days where Kibum wouldn't speak. Couldn't speak. Days where he'd wake up in the morning and felt every little thing weighed a million pounds and every word he tried to let out was tied up tightly in his chest. Sometimes a word was able to escape and made it all the way up his throat where it would sit and fester until it finally made its way out all distorted and wrong. These days didn't happen often but when they did they left Kibum frustrated and tired. They left him feeling somehow incomplete.  
    On these days, more often than not, Kibum would do everything within his power to make sure he stayed home, not leaving his room unless he absolutely had to. Thankfully there was no schedule that needed to be done that day and they were able to have some much-needed rest and time to themselves.  
Kibum liked the times where he could be alone. Don't get him wrong, he loves the other members greatly and they mean the world to him but he had a hard time just letting go and being fully himself. Always holding something in. He wished he could be like Taemin and just let it out and be unapologetically himself. Taemin didn't hold back when he needed to hop around repeating the same words over and over again. He didn't shove his hands under his legs when he was anxious so no one would see him fidgetting non-stop. He flapped his hands when he was happy and didn't care what anyone thought. Kibum wanted to be like that. He wanted so much to be able to be himself. But until he was able to, he had is room. The space that was all his were no one would judge him for pacing on tip-toe while twirling around. It was his safe space. Until it wasn't.  
    Logically he knows it isn't Jinkis fault. It isn't like he asked for the pipe to the apartment above theirs to burst and flood his room causing him to evacuate and take up residence in Kibums room and impeding his alone time. Kibum understood that sometimes things just happen and there's nothing that he can do about it and as much as he hates it right now that something is sharing his room. It won't be for a long time, the plumber said it should only be a few days to repair the pipe and dry everything out and it'll be right as rain. Right as rain. Who says that?  
    Jinki tried his best to reassure Kibum that he wouldn't spend much time in there, that he could just sleep on the couch for a few nights because the last thing he wanted was for Kibum to be uncomfortable because of him. Really he didn't mind sleeping on the couch, it was a nice couch and they'd spent a lot of money on it for it to not get much use. But Kibum had given him a look like he was crazy for even suggesting it then uttered a quick and quiet "It's ok. Just get in here." So he went and sat on the bed leaning against the headboard and quietly played on his phone.  
    The rest of the day went on like that, Jinki on the bed playing on his phone with Kibum going in and out of the room. Every once in a while he would look up from his phone to see Kibum walking in circles or slowly turning his hands over and over in front of his chest then smile and go right back to his phone. This didn't go unnoticed by Kibum. Not in the least. In fact, he noticed it every time, and every time it happened he got more and more self-conscious were by the time night hit he had stopped completely and just sat at his desk not really moving.  
    "You know I don't mind if you stim right?"  
    The words hit Kibum like a brick to the chest. So he had seen him. Of course, he'd seen him. How could he not? He was right there the whole time. But how does he know what it was? Had he slipped up before without knowing? Oh god had he done it during an interview? Had he done it on TV?  
    "Taemin does it all the time. It's ok if you do it too. If it helps why hold it in?"  
    Why hold it in? Why hold it in...Because if he didn't then everyone would see. They'd see that he isn't perfect. That he had this huge part of himself that he kept hidden because he was too used to being labelled as the weird one. The freak. The 'Why's he doing that with his hand's mommy?' The 'Shhh! Don't look. It's rude to stare.' So...why hold it in?  
    Not getting a response, Jinki looked up from his phone and over to where Kibum had been sitting still for the past while. However, when Jinki looked, he saw that Kibum was now rocking back and forth. Smiling he went back to playing on his phone thinking things had been resolved but quickly looked back up when a thudding sound reverberated in the room. Where Kibum had been just rocking a few seconds before he was now bent over continuously slamming his forehead against the hard wood of his desk.  
    "Shit Kibum!"  
    Tossing his phone down on the bed beside him Jinki quickly scrambled up off the bed and over towards Kibum. Without thinking Jinki tightly grabs Kibums shoulders trying to pull him away from the desk but lost his hold when Kibum jerked away and swung his arm back just narrowly missing hitting Jinki in the face. Shocked and not entirely sure what to do Jinki stands by the foot of the bed watching as Kibum goes back to hitting his head with the heels of his palms.  
    This goes on for a few minutes, Jinki standing there silently panicking, as Kibum continues hitting his head and rocking faster and faster until a whine bubbles up and breaks out from somewhere deep inside like an over-boiled tea kettle letting off steam. Then all at once, everything stops. Kibums hands drop from his face and land in his lap, he stops rocking and slumps down in the chair going completely still. If not for the soft whine Jinki would think he had passed out.  
    Still not sure what to do Jinki slowly moves a few steps closer to Kibum and sits on the floor beside him and leans his back against the desk. Not wanting to do anything that will make things worse Jinki just quietly sits staring down at his hands sitting folded up on his lap offering his silent support. After a few minutes, a shuffling sound grabs his attention and he looks up to see Kibum drop his hand down and wiggle his fingers. Smiling he carefully grabs Kibums hand and laces their fingers together and squeezes.  
    "I'm sorry."  
    "What for? You didn't do anything wrong."  
    Had he really done nothing wrong? That was hard to believe. He could have used his words to explain what was wrong but instead, he had a meltdown. Why couldn't he have just said something was wrong instead. Why did he have to act like that in front of Jinki? Now everytime something happened he was going to look at him differently. Whisper to the others about it behind his back. That's not Jinki. He wouldn't do that. You know he wouldn't.  
    "Hey, hey...It's ok Bummie. These things happen ok? I don't think of you any differently. I don't know what happened and that's alright. You don't have to hide that part of yourself from us."  
    "Just...I don't want to be the weird one ya know?"  
    "Would you call Taemin weird for his flapping? What about Minho? Would you call him weird for his competitiveness? What about me, would you call me weird for my old man jokes?" Jinki rapidly questioned as he turned so he was facing Kibum. He wanted to be able to see the smile he knew would take over when what he said had sunk in.  
    "I mean...you are a little weird."  
    There it is.  
    "Hey! Respect your elders!"  
    "I respectfully think you're weird."  
    "That's better."  
    Smiling Kibum squeezed Jinkis hand. Maybe he could try and be himself. It's still his room. It's still his safe space. The only difference is that that safe space now includes Jinki. He doesn't have to be confined to his room on the bad days, the good days, or the stimmy days. He could just...be.


End file.
